Your diagnosis — already completed
You did not book an appointment. You did not need to. We had your file open before you arrived.
You reached for the remedy before you finished the sentence about the problem. Onset is usually somewhere around the second advert.
We noticed. We always notice.One for the thing. One for what the first one did. One for what that one did. At no point does anyone stop and count them.
We can keep going. We would like to keep going.You believed that whoever set the number also lies awake worrying about whether you're alright. There is a department for that. It is called marketing.
That was very good of you. Please continue.
And we always will be
Satisfied patients
Results shown are typical. Everything is typical here. That is rather the point.
Adverse reactions — please do not be alarmed
Reported by people we did not ask, in studies we did not run. We would prefer you stopped reading here.
Rare but serious: telling other people about it. Discontinue use if you find yourself content, as contentment interferes with quarterly guidance. If symptoms persist, that is the intended effect. We'll know if you stop.
Mandatory disclosure — nobody reads this one
"Over-prescribed" is the symptom. This is the cause: an industry whose largest single line item is convincing you to ask for the product by name.
A message from the chairman
Every one of you matters to me. I want to say that plainly, because I know there are people who will tell you otherwise.
I have your file. I have all of them. Forty years of files, and not one of them has ever been closed.
You have been so good to us. You came back when you said you would. You asked for it by name. You told your friends, and then your friends came too.
There is nothing I want more than for you to feel better soon. Just not all at once. And not permanently.
Thank you for your continued cooperation.
The ChairmanChairman since before you were born
No advertising budget. No sales force. No patent to defend, no lobbyists on retainer, no shareholders who need this quarter to beat the last one. No chairman. There is nobody to take the margin, because there is nobody. That is the entire joke, and it is also the entire product.
The pair
$PHARMA does not trade against a coin. It trades against MRNA — tokenised Moderna stock, on Uniswap v4 on the Robinhood chain. The joke is priced in the thing it is about.
Every price you see is denominated in an actual pharmaceutical company’s shares. Up means $PHARMA is gaining on Moderna. That is a relative number by construction, which is more honest than most charts you will be shown this week. Moderna has nothing to do with this and has never heard of us.
Your schedule
There is no titration. There is no maintenance dose. There is a joke, and you are either enjoying it or you aren't.
| Population | Selected dose | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| General adult | An amount you would shrug at losing | This is the entire clinical guidance and it is genuinely the correct advice. |
| Already holding | No increase indicated | Averaging down is not a treatment plan. |
| Rent money | Contraindicated | Absolutely not. Put it back. |
| Anyone selling you a signal | Discontinue immediately | They are the sales force. See the disclosure above. |
Enrolment
Three steps. No pharmacist, no prior authorisation, no phone tree. No way to un-enrol, but you won't want to.
Any of the usual ones. If you already hold a coin, this part is already done.
From the box below and nowhere else. Not from a reply. Not from a direct message.
Paste it, take the dose from the table above, confirm. That is the whole course.
That address is the only one. Anything else calling itself $PHARMA is not it.